“I’m not a girl.”

Ever since I was a child, I’ve had this beauty mole on my face that’s something that girls–specifically, pretty girls and beautiful women–tend to value. When I was younger, people would make note of it and poke light-hearted fun at me. This, combined with my more reserved demeanor, has led many people to just assume that I’m a more feminine person. As a child, I would also easily get emotional, and my dad would say things to me like: “boys don’t cry.” But I’m not a girl, nor do I consider myself a feminine person. These statements are far from reality.

In my early- to mid- twenties, as a medical student, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and started on medication. In hindsight, I probably experienced aspects of this “illness” ever since I was very young mostly because of the challenges associated with immigration and assimilation and (maybe) genetics. That’s probably why my outcome is relatively good. Bipolar is linked with creative intelligence and divergent thinking. I’ve always been attracted to the arts. I just knew when I was younger that you don’t make much money pursuing it. It’s a high risk profession, geared toward those who have wealthy connections. Art really is about the money: it’s a mechanism to transfer wealth. I come from an educated background, not a wealthy one.

I think it was John Steinbeck who said something along the lines of, men are made. It is a privilege to be a boy in this world, but it’s not easy. You must put in the work and strive to be the manliest you can be. I remember reading that in my youth and really internalizing it. Never in my life had I ever thought I was a girl. Sure, I did as a young child play with more feminine toys and even pretended to be a girl when I was alone. However, in retrospect, I think that was more of an intelligence thing. I just found the western culture associated with women to be far more sophisticated and, quite frankly, smarter than that associated with men. Women are also typically better with language, something I value tremendously.

All in all, I’m proud to be a man because I consider it a privilege. In this day and age, every man has the capacity to be whatever he wants, even a woman if he so chooses.