A long ramble

It’s been a pretty long day at work, and I actually ended up getting a lot done and getting off a bit early. I decided to go to the medical library to do some work, and I thought I’d just write a long post in a sort of journal style to get some things off my chest. I feel that I’ve been in a good place in my life right now, having settled in with a friend group here in Los Angeles, but also making a really close friend here, which is relatively rare for me. Well, let’s get right into it.

I think above all, I’m still coming off the high of the tennis tournament this weekend. I thought I had a good chance of winning it, but you never really know who’s going to be in the draw and how you’ll play without regular practice, as well as how your opponent is going to play. I never understood how people get so much enjoyment out of tennis. That’s just something that’s mind-boggling to me, to be honest. It’s a lot of stress and mental pressure to be put on a person for a weekend. I’m experiencing this sort of depressive phase that inevitably comes after a high.

I’ve, of course, still been thinking about architecture school and what that will mean for me in the coming year. I don’t really know if I will get any scholarship associated with the experience or not. If I do, again, I will be venturing into the field at the very mature age of 38 and taking on some serious debt that I think I can repay—but who knows? In this economy, I don’t really know what’s going to happen. Architecture just sort of makes sense in some regards and yet doesn’t in others. It’s one of those things in life that, if it passes me by, there’s really no going back. It’s a now-or-never situation.

Then there’s the aspect of love. I don’t really know what I’m doing in that department. I think I’m actually headed in a positive direction compared to where I was in the past ten or so years living in Los Angeles and forging a strong network of friends on social media here. I don’t really know how love is formed and what happens when love ignites. I understand that two people have to mutually enter into an arrangement, but the question of who initiates, especially with gay relationships, is a bit of a conundrum for me. With a man and a woman, the rules that society dictates are a bit more clear. With gay relationships, it’s more of an improvisation, which can be both exciting and scary at the same time.

A part of me really wants to stay in Los Angeles and call this city my home because of all the people that I’ve met so far through tennis. If I do enter into architecture, I will meet so many more people and form an invaluable network here that is quite literally irreplaceable. I can see myself staying in Los Angeles, as I wrote in one of my previous posts.

Things are going steadily with my mental health as well. I went off my medication for a bit over the winter period in order to test the waters and so that I could do a bit of reading, but it seems that I’ve finally accepted, after all these years, that I may need to be taking the medication for life. It’s just one of the harsh realities of my life that I will have to accept.

On another note, I was supposed to have another meeting with my two mentors here at USC, and that didn’t end up happening. They just sort of gave me the freedom in the postdoc to do as I choose, which I really appreciate. Right now, architecture is an exploratory option for me, and a large portion of it is contingent on how much scholarship money I will be able to attain.

I think that’s it for now. I managed to abscond from my dark apartment room to the medical library to jot down some thoughts. It’s funny because when I was off the medication, I used to come here to read. I can’t read anymore when I’m medicated, but at least I can still write. I will take that consolation.