I think about religion and God quite a bit sometimes when my mania flairs up. It’s actually pretty common amongst individuals with bipolar even in those people who are not and have never been religious. I’ve always thought that religion is a practice that people are born into; some people are “born again” into it. In high school and college, I’ve had a lot of friends and acquaintances take me to church and it’s just a very foreign experience for me. I’ve written about that quite a bit in previous posts so I won’t elaborate on it. My grandparents are all academics and so I think, in a way, that that sort of practice can be a replacement or at least take the place of religion (i.e. the constant pursuit of something higher or better).
There is scientific evidence to suggest that being religious is the healthiest state of being. Thus, I guess I’m not a particularly healthy person, and I’ve already established that a bit. During an episode I think about all the “bad” things I’ve done in my life and imagine that my depressive mood is some form of divine punishment. It’s obviously a false belief and state. One thing I fixate on, for instance, is social media and technology and how my posts and opinions and blogs could offend people. That’s something that during a delusional episode, I feel immense guilt for. Maybe I will quit social media one day. I also think about sex and being gay and feeling guilt for that because of traditional religious outlooks on homosexuality, but I won’t elaborate on that in a public way because I think that’s getting too private.
Yet, the mental fixation on God despite not being religious is such an interesting experience for me. It makes me wonder if God is in fact indeed present in all of us and that we are all vessels to relay his message on earth. Everyone can experience God to some extent and, especially as an artist and architecture student, it’s up to me to translate what I experience into concrete form (no pun intended).
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