What if…

When you take a less conventional path such as I’ve done in my early adulthood, it’s hard not to get caught up on the ‘what ifs.’ What if I had not gotten bipolar in medical school and stayed in school, would I have eventually become the surgeon that I set out to become? Would I even be happy with that career choice? It’s clear that there’s no right answer to these questions. We live in one universe, and there doesn’t exist a way to ever find a solution to these questions. However, they creep up every now and then in my mind. In my dreams, I still think about returning to medical school or the prospect that I haven’t really dropped out and have the option of returning. So much effort and time has been invested in that life that I just cannot help but go back to it subconsciously. 

I also think about what my life would be like if I had stayed in China. Surely, I would have completely integrated into a different culture if I were raised in another country and would’ve grown to be a different person, but my personality, my body, and my biological self would have been the same. Again, there’s only one universe, and I’ll never be able to meet the person that would’ve grown up in the environment that he was born in. Perhaps that individual would’ve been a little better adjusted, not having to adapt to the requirements of fitting into a new culture. I don’t know the answer to that speculation.

All in all, it’s the what ifs that can erode our mental state at times, especially when we are not feeling all that well. It’s important to control our emotions and realize that there’s profoundly no way of knowing what the results of an opposing set of decisions will be. We live in the present we are given, and for the most part, we should see it as a gift and be grateful. Otherwise, how does one ever press on?